Saturday, October 08, 2005
dReAmt Of him
what's going on??? what happen to me??? i really hate myself for being like that.. whenever i'm free meaning that having holiday or no job to keep me occupied..i will have the tendancy of flashing back everything..yes..of course the same old illness...insomnia comes back..every night can't get into sleep...my night becomes day and day become night..i know that's bad for health..i tried but i just hate the feeling of lying on bed for 3 to 4 hours and it's really damn bird lei... lagi worse is i can get myself a temp job and even i can, i also can't as i need to paint...today i try by cleaning my room but still not tired lei...maybe not that shiong so i planned to clean my living room that one i sure i will have a bit of 'cek' and tired de...i also don't know why must i do such thing...note: i'm not hurting myself...i just want to get to some sleep... nor am i blaming 'him' NONE of his fault... the matter just lies with me...why like that??? i even dreamt of him last night and i think i think or do too much flashing back on that visit liao...i woke up i cried...really cried..nowadays...i really miss 'him' so much....tooooooo much till i re-read all his letters...24 of them so far...i read till i fell asleep and i think papa saw when he came into my room to off my lights...how i know? cos he's someone who don't ask or show but his actions can tell...when i woke up the next day he was telling me "eat ur duck rice and try to be happy..smile more..or you will look older" i still joke back by saying u then look older hor...but after that then i think that he saw what i was doing the previous night...nowadays i'm just feeling down..really...everytime i have missed calls from unfamiliar numbers i will think and kindof daydream that its 'him'. he called me from.... just like he called me from m'sia..called me from remand 3 years back..all these silly thoughts just repeating like radio lo... i was hurt by his facial expression on thur...how he react when saying the topic on how fat am i....however this is something that motivates me and forced me to be firm with my determination...thanks..not sarcastic....i know i must..i have to..control my feelings and emotions towards him..i can't stress nor pressurize him...i can't pin too much hopes... when i'm lonely, stress, sad....everything will be a 24 hours radio that keep playing in my mind...emotions over my mind....but... when i'm busy, happy.... i will think on the bright side that even not having him by my side i'm able to make it as long as he's happy..even if his final decision or choice isn't me i should wish him all the best..bless him...mind over emotions...haiz..everytime i say, think, dream, flash back, talk, mention about him...my mood will be :( haiz... everytime i received his letter i will be :)
just like what he said, we will be able to meet in 6 month times...ya..damn fast lo...just a blink of eyes..will be in 2006 i'm really happy, excited, anxious, overjoy, nervous, panic, fear, scare, afraid.....cos i know the answer will be out...i afraid to accept the facts...i afraid to accept sad news..false hope....i can't accept the fact if i fail...BUT no matter what
i still don't blame you..as no promises for both of us to abide...and in fact, i have to thank you for all the encouragement and supports and advice that you gave me....as long as you are happy..
" it breaks my heart to see you happy with someone else but it's more painful to know that you are unhappy with me...."
remember.i.will.always.be.the.star.that.shines.for.you.even.your.glance.remain.elsewhere
miss.u~
sign off ~
.
